April Showers Challenge Entry #7

This is nothing but pure and silly fluff comedy. I warn you ahead of time.

Title: The Werewolf's Secret Mistress and How Severus Learned to Love Her: A Comedy in Dialogue
Pairing: Severus/Remus
Rating: R for language and inuendo
Word Count: 867
Summary: Remus has a secret that he tries desperately to hide from his lover. Done in pure dialogue.




“We’re not having that…that thing in our home!”

“But Severus, it’s not going to do any harm.”

“No Lupin. Absolutely not. Take it away this instant. Be glad I allowed you to have your picture box.”

“You like the tellie. I promise you Severus, you’ll enjoy this as much as me. Please?”

“No. You take that horrible thing and return it. It takes bits of your soul or some such, and I won’t have it under my roof.”

“You just don’t trust anything made by muggles, do you?”

“Lupin, you will not change the subject. Get rid of it or you’ll be sleeping on the sofa.”

“Severus, I think you’re being a bit too harsh….”

“And I think you’re being an idiot. Now do as I say.”

“Fine. I’ll take it away.”

“Thank you, Remus. Come to bed when you’re done.”

“I will, I will. Just…give me an hour to get rid of it.”

****

“Lupin? What are you doing? Where are you?”

“I’m in my office, Severus! No, don’t come in, I’m….naked.”

“I see you naked every night, you daft werewolf. What in god’s good name are you doing?”

“Uh…nothing! I’m….it’s private!”

“Are you doing drugs in there?”

“No, Severus, nothing like that! I’m…practicing delicate and arcane forms of magic!”

“Oh really?”

“Er yes! Yes, really! Now I need complete and total concentration for this, so, er, I’ll be out when I’m done!”

“Of course, of course. Just one question, if you would, Lupin.”

“Yes?”

“What magic would this be, exactly?”

“Oh. Well, it’s…it’s the Holy Rite of Limitus…Breakus. Very powerful magic.”

“Indeed. And you need be naked to do this?”

“Yes! Now please, would you just let me do it?”

Fine, fine, Lupin. Hurry up with it, dinner’s going to be ready shortly.”

****

“You’ve been spending inordinate amounts of time in your office, Lupin.”

“Just….working on some theories, that’s all. For my project.”

“Project?”

“I told you about it, Severus.”

“No, I don’t think you did. Refresh my memory, please?”

“Oh. Er. The one on, erm, materi…materials. For magic. And, classifying these materials. And….studying where they come from and how they’re made. And their application. Very…very tedious process, you understand.”

“You’re doing drugs, aren’t you?”

“I am not doing drugs! For the love of Merlin, Severus, I am not doing drugs. Now if you‘ll excuse me, I need to get back to Gi Natak.”

“Pardon?”

“Er….mythical creature that….eats….potions.”

“I’m not going to share my bed with a drug addict, Remus.”

“Noted.”

“Idiot werewolf.”

***

“Severus! Office! Knock!”

“I was hoping to catch you in the act. What is it? Opium? That white stuff muggles did in the eighties? Wait a moment….!”

“It’s not what it looks like! It’s….I can explain!”

“LUPIN! I told you to get rid of that thing! You’ve been hiding it in here the whole time!”

“I…Severus, it was expensive and I’ve always wanted one. I paid for it with my own money and I’m keeping it!”

“In my home! Under my own roof! All this time you’ve been cavorting with this…vile rectangular….prostitute!”

“Prostitute? Severus, it is a video game system. You act like I’ve been having carnal relations with it behind your back!”

“And how do I know you haven’t?”

“Because there’s no place to stick my naughty bits. Now do calm down.”

“I told you to get rid of it, Lupin.”

“We’ve been over this before. I didn’t. Now either calm down or get out, I’m in a boss battle.”

“A what?”

“Boss battle. I’m fighting a battle that’s harder than most, and I really need to concentrate. Please, Severus?”

“I didn’t even know you had a tellie in here.”

“Now you do.”

“What is that….thing on the screen?”

“That’s the boss.”

“And those people?”

“That’s my party. Severus, just sit down, you’re distracting me.”

“It’s physically impossible for a man that small to wield a sword that large, you know.”

“Yes, Severus, I know. It’s a video game.”

“And that woman’s breasts are anatomically impossible.”

“I know.”

“So…what is that blue….”

“Severus! I have done this battle five times already, and I don’t want to do it again! Now please sit down and shut up!”

“Yes, Remus.”

****

“Severus! I’ve put the dishes in the sink.”

“I’m in the bedroom, Remus! I have something special for you!”

“I’ll be up in a moment!”

“Hurry would you? We haven’t all night. I’d like to get started as soon as possible.”

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Already in bed are we? And unless my eyes deceive me, that’s quite a…package you’ve got under the covers.”

“Indeed it is. Why don’t you come and see what it is.”

“I think I will. Let’s have a look….Severus!”

“Surprised?”

“How could you tell! Merlin, Severus, is this really for me?”

“No, it’s for my other lover. Of course it’s for you. Go on, try it out.”

“But…what about tonight? What about you?”

“I am more than happy to just watch you break it in, Remus.”

“Severus Snape, I think I love you. I don’t think any other man would lay naked in bed and cover his genitalia with a brand new copy of ‘Legend of Dragoon’. Thank you.”

“Happy Anniversary, Remus.”

“Happy Anniversary, Severus.”